Ugly Xmas Sweater Part 1

And A Very Ugly Xmas to You!

I'm sure you've seen sites devoted to selling truly Ugly Christmas Sweaters.  A simple Google search of those three dreadful words will open a terrifyingly enormous number (about 575,000  links). If you haven't taken a good, long look at the holiday horror that has been unleashed upon the faddish over the last few years, then it is time for you to get a good strong whatever and sit down to take a look at this assault on good taste and visual accuity.

A closer look at these abominations will chill your blood when you realize something truly heinous.  The majority of these sweaters were not made in the USA.

Now I don't know about you, but I, for one, am capable of creating an Xmas sweater that doesn't just break one or two fashion rules.  I, a devoted american consumer, have all the skills necessary to haphazardly design a sweater that is not only a crime against god and man, but one that the great Cthulhu himself would deem unthinkable, unknowable and terrifyingly undesireable.  

I issue this challenge to every fiber artist/crafts-person reading this.  I now dare you to whomp up your own beyond-ugly sweater.  I'm here to help.  Really.


Whether you like it or not, I'm about to share with you, in a series of Happy Holidays Blog posts, how I am constructing mine.  

Gird your loins, put on your sunglasses, grit your teeth and locate the strongest anesthia you allow yourself because here we go.

Garage Sale Find -- Vintage Yarn

Materials:

Yarns:

I was extremely lucky to locate some vintage 100% Orlon Acrylic Christmas Yarn at a garage sale.  And yes, that Orlon Acrylic was made by DuPont in the U.S.A.
The yarn was manufactured by Yarn Industries, Inc. of Pageland, South Carolina  which at one time held 5 trademarks besides -- Softelle (D. 1986), Remembrance (D. 1986), Lainelle (D. 1982), Sun.Spun (D. 1982), and Carrousel (D. 1981).  Apparently there was a dreadful lawsuit between Yarn and Krupps in 1983 and since many of these trademarks seem to have expired shortly thereafter, I'm assuming that the litigation was deadly.  Lesson to us all, when meeting a subsidiary of a multi-national corporation either to sign a contract or to settle a dispute in court, be sure to take a lawyer with you.  

As late as 2010 Caron (headquartered in Ontario) held the Wintuk name, but even that brand is no longer available for purchase, to my knowledge.

There's a bonus Christmas Sock pattern on the inside of the skein's paper label sleeve. Are you Christmas Tree Green with envy yet?

Don't grieve.  You can still purchase Christmas yarn in the various colors and variegates that you will need to make your sweater.  I know.  I've seen the fresh-off-the-cargo-ship-from-Pakistan-self-display-boxes at the stores.  I just urge you to try to find yarn that is made somewhere in this hemisphere and, like my 25+ year old yarn, will remain bright and festive in a landfill for the next 2 to 3 hundred years.

This vintage yarn has such an ugly choice of color and dreadful repeat length in the variegation and such a scratchy unpleasant hand, that I couldn't resist spending 50 cents a skein.  I got:

5 skeins of red/green/white variegated
2 skeins of an itchy sparkly synthetic angora red/green/white
1 skein of white
2 skeins of forest green. 

I won't need all of this yarn, but there's always the matching mittens and Newsboy cap, right?

Needles & Other Supplies:

My Pattern - follows over the next two weeks.
Size 8 10" straight knitting needles.
Size 8  28-40" circular knitting needle suitable for magic-loop knitting
Size 8 (H) crochet hook
Yarn sized tatting needle 

Darning needle for minimal seaming
Two 1-1/2" buttons 
Indomitable Will 
Cast-Iron Stomach
Yarn sized tatting needle

Now you don't need to run out and buy anything shown here that you don't have.  As long as you have knitting needles size 7, 8 or 9, a crochet hook in size G, H or I, and yarn, you can make something god-awful.  I'll give alternate options along the way.

The first part of the pattern will arrive in a couple of hours, and we'll go from there in an irregular and sporadic fashion.  Please, feel free to leave comments here or via email.

I'd like to leave you with this one small word of encouragement.  Mwahahaha!