Sandy's Ugly Xmas Caps

I am delighted to announce that one of my friends who also subscribes to this blog has graciously given me permission to post pictures of her Ugly Xmas Caps along with her pattern...

From Sandy Lewis of Wisconsin 

Last evening - in a fit of boredom...or Something...I knit an Ugly Christmas Hat.  REALLY UGLY....Knock your socks off....UGLY...Which I wore to work today, along with my Equally Ugly Christmas Scarf, which I knit last year as part of a costume for a Holiday Show I was Tap Dancing in...(Don't Ask!)

 

The hat is knit from - What Else??? - That nasty Red Heart Acrylic Red/White/Green yarn...with a wobbly pompom on top...same yarn...ALL my Pompoms are Wobbly.

 

(I use a #5 needle - loose knitter) Cast on 80 sts - 6" of K1/P1...then 3 rows K (red yarn) - K8 - K 2 tog around - K next row...repeat both rows 'til K2tog is left...Scoop remaining sts tog with needle, tail of yarn...Attach pompom made with red/white/green yarn and you have a Totally Ugly Christmas hat...but warm. 

 

Variations, if one wants variations...K2/P2 3 1/2" cuff - 4 1/2" K round...Approx 7 1/2 - 8" total - then decrease....etc. 

 

I was thinking of your Ugly Christmas Sweater....Hat could and was knit in a few hours...Sweater takes lots more time, and I have all those Methodist Caps to finish...More pompoms, etc...which I am Very Bad at making.  All mine are tacky looking...but what the heck...It's a pompom - Not stitchery for a museum quality garment....

 

Charlie Brown would love it....or not!

 

I bet you will come up with a Much Uglier Christmas Hat design...Which I will Love to knit!  I can donate mine to the Methodists!

 

Sandy then went on in another email to talk about her Braid Cap, in TEAL, and here is the pattern for that!!!

 

I don't think you can see the "hole" in the teal hat....I have to have something to pull my hair through as I have a rather heavy braid, and a hat without a hole doesn't fit.

 

After I do a cuff, I knit 3 or 4 rows...then K back and forth til the slit is about 1 1/2"...then K around for the rest of the hat....Easy to pull my hair through and the hat fits well....

 

I had planned to give the teal hat to the Methodist church (with all the others)...Added the bells, as I thought they would be Fun....THEN saw the "Hole"...realized it was a hat I knit last year - put away and forgot about...Thus the reason I Jingle!!!!

 

Any of these hats take about 3 -4 hours to knit, without the "decorations"....I have 5 to add buttons- pompoms - bells - Stuff to tops...then I'm DONE with the Hats already.

 

Thank you Sandy!!! 

 

And I think we all know that Methodists need all sorts of things to liven their lives up ... and who else is there to do just that?   Just us Heathens, I guess.

Ugly Xmas Sweater Part 4

Let's Talk Collars and Shawls and Sleeves

If you've decided to go ahead with the sweater I'll talk about a quick and dirty collar in a bit.  For now, though, let's talk about other ways to use these squares to ill-effect.  

Shawls

If you've already knitted 20 or so squares and absolutely hate the Ugly Sweater, do not despair. 

There are humane options here.  The top Rebozo type shawl takes 51 squares and measures a little less that 1 foot by a little more than 2 yards.  Add a single crochet edge and you have an ugly shawl.  Add a tatted edging and you have a VERY ugly shawl.

The more familiar Norte Americana Triangle Shawl will take fewer squares, and will require that you fill in the indentions with mitred triangles.  The simplest way to fill in is to pick up the 31 stitches of each indent and knit back and forth decreasing EVERY row.  And again, you can finish with a border of single crochet or tatting, depending on your Ugly Quotient.

Now... if you've decided to gut it out, and go for the Gold Plate, let's add a collar to that Ugly Sweater.  There are 3 ways to add this mercifully blurry collar to your otherwise unmerciful garment.

A.   Knit Collar

1.  Using the long circular needle pick up stitches along the two squares of the top right front, a couple over the shoulder seam, across the top four back squares, two over the shoulder and along the top of the two squares on the left front.

2. Knit back.

3. Knit 1 Purl 1 Knit 1 Purl 1, place marker.  Knit to the last 4 stitches, place marker and Knit 1 Purl 1 Knit 1 Purl 1. 

4.  Purl the knit stitches and Knit the purl stitches up to the marker.  (This will be called Seed Stitch from now on.) Pass marker.  Purl to the marker, pass marker and Seed Stitch.

5.  Seed Stitch, pass marker.  Knit 2.  Cast off 3.  Loosely backwards-loop Cast-On 3 stitches. (be loose because you'll be purling back across these Cast-On stitches which are difficult to work in the best of knitting circumstances.)  Knit to the last 5 stitches before the marker, Cast off 3.  Backwards Loop Cast-On 3.  K2, pass marker and Seed Stitch. 

6.  Seed Stitch, pass marker.  Purl to the marker, pass marker and Seed Stitch. 

7.  Seed Stitch, drop marker.  Knit to the marker, drop marker and Seed Stitch.  

Rows 8 and 9 - Knit.

Cast off and weave in ends.

Alternate:  If you would prefer to use Xmas Broaches to hold the collar together knit as above EXCEPT for Row 5 which would read:

5.  Seed Stitch, pass marker.  Knit to the marker, pass marker and Seed Stitch.  (In this way you eliminate the button hole.)

B.  Crochet Collar

Using your Size 8/H Crochet Hook, 

1. Pull up a loop on a front top corner and proceed to single crochet around the top.

2. Chain 2 and Turn.  Double Crochet in the first 5 single crochets.  *Check your button to make sure it will pass between two double crochets.  If it will, continue on around the collar in Double Crotchet.  

      If NOT, rip back and beginning with a Chain 3, turn and Triple (Treble) Crochet 5 times. Again check the Button.  If it's still too large, get a smaller button and choose whichever Double or Treble will work with it.  If the alternate button is too small you can always whip the first two double crochets together a bit to tighten the opening.

3. Chain one and single crochet back and finish off.

C.  Tatted Collar.

Let's keep it simple and hideous with an Arch and Ring edging reminiscent of the sword and egg picture molding one might find near the ceiling in Victorian era house.  You might wish to place a finishing edge of single crochet around the collar, down the center front, around the bottom and back up the center front before commencing tatting.  And yes, you do not begin tatting.  You commence. 

If you wish to shuttle tatt instead of needle tat, you will want to do so and attach the edging after you are finished and do so with large and ugly stitches in a contrasting color.

Key:  A single number is the number of Double Stitches.  A hyphen ( - ) is a picot.

1.  Join yarn at top front corner.

2.  CH 6 - 6, Pull to arch and shoe-lace-trick. Lock join to appropriate stitch on the collar that doesn't stretch or compress the arch too much.

3.  R  6 - 6. Close.  Lock join to appropriate stitch on the collar that doesn't tilt the ring too much to one side or the other.

4.  Repeat 2 and 3 until you get to the end of the collar -- or if you want to go all the way around -- Yay!  You Go!  Hopefully you'll end up with a ring to abut the beginning Arched Chain, but if not.  Oh well. The first arch and the last arch will double as button loops.

The Sleeves.  

Use one of the Collar Treatments for each or either of the sleeves.  The crochet or tatted edging will produce a Sweater Vest -- or if you're ambitious, a Cap Sleeve.   

I suggest that if you choose to knit, you allot a single skein to each sleeve. Pick up stitches around the armhole, join to knit circular and then knit 'till you're bored mindless or run out of yarn.  

I'd also suggest that you bind off without providing any edging at the bottom of the sleeve to mimic that slipshod 3rd world curled edge that is so popular on sweaters sold to people who don't know they're being short-changed with shoddy goods.

However, if you would like to prove that USA made can be totally and correctly hideous, please, by all means combine all three collar finishing styles to Knit, Crochet and then Tatt the cuffs.  

I just teared up a little there.  Again.  It's kind of like reading the Necronomicon, isn't it.

If you'd like specific assistance, don't hesitate to comment. And ... Happy Holidays.
 

Ugly Xmas Sweater Part 3

The Sweater Layout

The Conundrum

We are all brave enough to wear an ugly sweater.  Few of us are foolish enough to wear a sweater that makes us ugly.

The Ugly Xmas Sweater is a simple box shaped garment guaranteed to be unflattering.  It also features drop-shoulder shaping -- as in no shaping at all -- just in case the world didn't already know you have pudgy upper arms.

Now don't take a look at the first layout below and start seaming like a maniac.  Just take a look for now.

You'll want to check something first, preferably after you've finished either joining Row 1 or finishing knitting the 1st row of 10 squares (depending on whether you've done this a single square at a time or as a continuous row of squares). 

You're going to wrap this 1st row around you to see if it's about right for your size.  This first finished bottom row should fit comfortably around your body below your armpits and above your breasts.  Not around your waist or your belly or your hips.  Don't panic.  It's not going to end up under your armpits forever.  You're just seeing if it will fit around you, mostly, there, now.

If it doesn't quite meet you're going to have to add squares. You might add a single column of 5 squares between columns 6 and 5.

 If it's WAY TOO HUGE you're going to have to lose a column or two. Either 6 or 5 down the back, for instance ... or you can employ half squares.

Yes, you heard me.  Mitred 7x7 squares that begin with 15 stitches. It will take 10 to go from the top to the bottom down the center of the back if that's where you need the ease.  If you need it in the front you could run them down the center of the left and/or right front. 

Or you can leave the seam between columns 6 and 5 un-joined.  You can then pick-up stitches from top to bottom and add the ease you need.  Up to you.

If you can't handle the fact that this sweater will probably make you look fat, and I'm using the word "probably" very loosely here, you might want to stop the idea of piecing it together into a sweater-ISH shape and start thinking about the Ugly Shawl Option. 

Yes.  Excel is my friend.  So just to reiterate what the layout shows, the left front is made of 9 squares seemed (or knitted) together as one large square, and the right front is as well.  Neither the left or right front is attached to the back, but all three are attached to the bottom two rows.

Additionally, once you have this pieced together you only have two seams left to sew.  Row 5 Squares 8 and 7 will be seamed together across the top, and Row 5: Squares 4 and 3 will be seamed together across the top. I like the blanket stitch.  It's fast, safe, and hinge-like.

That, my darlings, is the end of the shoulder treatment.

In a couple of days, we'll be talking collars.   Comment or email if you need further direction on adding a little space in the back or the front with mitres or button bands etc.

Ugly Xmas Sweater Part 2 ...

 

The Mitred Square Makes the Sweater

No I'm not talking about the cap worn by Abbots and Bishops, I'm talking about a knitting technique that takes variegated yarns and makes them look marginally attractive. 

I was looking for a technique that would produce a sweater that was simultaneously too large and too small while appearing to be ornate and complex while actually being rather simple to execute and portable for those readers who have little time to complete the piece.  If you commute by train or bus, you can probably complete a single square per trip.  

The sweater is made up of 50 squares.  If you start tomorrow, and knit two squares a day - one to and one from work - you will have your squares finished in 5 weeks or less, depending on the speed of your knitting and the length of your commute.  This will bring you to the end of the first week of December with enough squares (and minimal finishing) to make a Truly Ugly Xmas Sweater Vest just in time for the Office Party.

If you knit each square in one type of yarn only, you will speed up the process and might be able to complete more than 2 squares a day.  If you use my technique for picking up from the edge of a finished square to start the next square, you'll significantly reduce finishing time without adding any additional knitting time.  Let's go over our materials and tools list again.

5 skeins of red/green/white variegated
2 skeins of an itchy sparkly synthetic angora red/green/white
1 skein of white
2 skeins of forest green. 

Or any collection of colors you desire.  You can buy one skein at a time if that suits, just try to keep to the same Brand/Weight/Fiber type.  My aim is not to violate craftsmanship rules.  It's to violate the laws of good taste.


Size 8 10" straight knitting needles.
Size 8  28-40" circular knitting needle suitable for magic-loop knitting
Size 8 (H) crochet hook
Darning needle for minimal seaming
Two 1-1/2" buttons 
Indomitable Will 
Cast-Iron Stomach
Yarn sized tatting needle

The First Square

On size 8 10" straight knitting needles cast on 31* stitches in your preferred method.  
(I prefer the long tail cast on because it makes my first row while I'm casting on. A knitted cast-on also creates the first row, but again any style cast-on you prefer is good.)

Row 1:  Knit to end - 31 Stitches. 
Row 2:  Knit 14 stitches.  Slip 1 as if to knit, Knit 2 together, Pass Slipped stitch Over. Knit 14.
( From now on the center decrease will be abbreviated to (Sl1K2TogPsso).  You can also Knit 3 Together (K3Tog)  or Knit 2 Together, slip 1, pass 1 over (K2TogSl1Psso).  Whatever you prefer to turn 3 stitches into 1 stitch is just fine.)

Row 3:  Knit to end, counting all the way -- Ho! Ho! Ho! 
(You should end up with an odd number of stitches that is smaller than 31.  You deleted two stitches in Row 2, so you should have 29 stitches - but crap happens.**)

Mental Calculation you can do at the end of every plain knit row to avoid having to actually keep track of where you are.  

Take the number of stitches you have, minus 3 and divide by 2.  In this case the calculation would be 29 - 3 / 2 = 13.  13 is your new number ....

Row 4:  Knit 13 Sl1K2TogPsso Knit 13

Row 5:  Knit to end, counting all the way -- Ho! Ho! Ho! 

(You should have 27 stitches. Mental Calculation 27 - 3 = 24/2 = 12)

Continue rows 4 and 5 until you have 3 stitches left at the end of a decrease row.

Using different yarns in one square.

Final Even Row :  a. Sl1K2TogPsso or K3Tog. Cut yarn and pull through loop to finish off.  This is the technique you will use if you plan to mix and match and seam together later.

Keep knitting squares until you have completed 50.

OR   

Final Even Row :  b. Sl1K2TogPsso or K3Tog.  Leaving that last loop on the Right Needle, start picking up stitches down the left hand edge of the square.  You will Pick Up*** 15 to 16 stitches, included the first one, total. 

Then, using your preferred Cast On style (at this point I prefer Knitted Cast-On), create 15 to 16 stitches -- whichever you need to end up with 31 stitches. 

Start with Row 2 -- knit even across, and continue on in the Mitre pattern.  Repeat until you've completed 10 squares in your first bottom row. 

In pictures that would be:

Second Row of 10 (pictured below):  Cast on 15 stitches in your preferred method.  Pick up one stitch at the top right corner of your first row of squares.  Continue picking up 15 more stitches from the top of the rightmost square so that you end up having 31 stitches on your right needle.  Turn and knit back all 31 stitches ... you've now completed Row 2 of the Mitred Square.  Continue on, adding squares to the left until you reach the end of the row and have 20 Squares in two rows, total.  In pictures ...

If you have managed to complete 20 squares before I post again, you maniac, stop!!!   Comment!!!  Alert me that you need further instruction and I will instruct further.  Unless you've figured out what to do with the other 30 squares.  In that case go for it and send me pictures.

The Footnotes:

* 31 Stitches.  This is totally arbitrary.  If a square 15 x 15 stitches is too small you can start with 61 stitches.  You can start with 27, if that bakes your cookies.  It just has to be odd and easy for you to keep track of.  I like the size of the 31 stitch because it's about a bus-ride long and easy to jam in the purse.  It's also an easy size to pull out while waiting in line, or finishing off a lunch break, or sneaking under the desk.

**Crap Happens.  If you've finished a knit only row and you end up with an even number of stitches, stop and take a deep breath.  Don't panic.  Check to make sure you've not dropped a stitch or have started knitting back and forth mindlessly.  This happens when you talk or try to read and knit or drive and knit at the same time.  If it's only a single mistke row and you don't feel like ripping back to the last good row, you can unknit back to the center of the even row, Knit 2 Together to create an odd number of stitches and continue knitting to the end.  I've even discovered the mistake in the middle of a decrease row and decided to K2Tog, K2Tog, Psso.  Again, feed the OCD if necessary and fudge if possible.  It's not art.  It's ugly.

***Picking Up Stitches.  I like slipping the first stitch of every row.  This creates nice wide two row stitches running across the "top" and the "left hand side" of the square.  Nice, wide two row stitches make picking up stitches easier and is one of those gems contributed to the knitting community by Knitter's Saint E. Zimmerman.  When I first started I would use my crochet hook to pull loops of yarn through the nice wide stitches and place them on the knitting needle.  Now I just stick the knitting needle through the edge stitch and pull the yarn through that way.

Have fun!  Post comments if you're lost.  See you in a few days!!

Ugly Xmas Sweater Part 1

And A Very Ugly Xmas to You!

I'm sure you've seen sites devoted to selling truly Ugly Christmas Sweaters.  A simple Google search of those three dreadful words will open a terrifyingly enormous number (about 575,000  links). If you haven't taken a good, long look at the holiday horror that has been unleashed upon the faddish over the last few years, then it is time for you to get a good strong whatever and sit down to take a look at this assault on good taste and visual accuity.

A closer look at these abominations will chill your blood when you realize something truly heinous.  The majority of these sweaters were not made in the USA.

Now I don't know about you, but I, for one, am capable of creating an Xmas sweater that doesn't just break one or two fashion rules.  I, a devoted american consumer, have all the skills necessary to haphazardly design a sweater that is not only a crime against god and man, but one that the great Cthulhu himself would deem unthinkable, unknowable and terrifyingly undesireable.  

I issue this challenge to every fiber artist/crafts-person reading this.  I now dare you to whomp up your own beyond-ugly sweater.  I'm here to help.  Really.


Whether you like it or not, I'm about to share with you, in a series of Happy Holidays Blog posts, how I am constructing mine.  

Gird your loins, put on your sunglasses, grit your teeth and locate the strongest anesthia you allow yourself because here we go.

Garage Sale Find -- Vintage Yarn

Materials:

Yarns:

I was extremely lucky to locate some vintage 100% Orlon Acrylic Christmas Yarn at a garage sale.  And yes, that Orlon Acrylic was made by DuPont in the U.S.A.
The yarn was manufactured by Yarn Industries, Inc. of Pageland, South Carolina  which at one time held 5 trademarks besides -- Softelle (D. 1986), Remembrance (D. 1986), Lainelle (D. 1982), Sun.Spun (D. 1982), and Carrousel (D. 1981).  Apparently there was a dreadful lawsuit between Yarn and Krupps in 1983 and since many of these trademarks seem to have expired shortly thereafter, I'm assuming that the litigation was deadly.  Lesson to us all, when meeting a subsidiary of a multi-national corporation either to sign a contract or to settle a dispute in court, be sure to take a lawyer with you.  

As late as 2010 Caron (headquartered in Ontario) held the Wintuk name, but even that brand is no longer available for purchase, to my knowledge.

There's a bonus Christmas Sock pattern on the inside of the skein's paper label sleeve. Are you Christmas Tree Green with envy yet?

Don't grieve.  You can still purchase Christmas yarn in the various colors and variegates that you will need to make your sweater.  I know.  I've seen the fresh-off-the-cargo-ship-from-Pakistan-self-display-boxes at the stores.  I just urge you to try to find yarn that is made somewhere in this hemisphere and, like my 25+ year old yarn, will remain bright and festive in a landfill for the next 2 to 3 hundred years.

This vintage yarn has such an ugly choice of color and dreadful repeat length in the variegation and such a scratchy unpleasant hand, that I couldn't resist spending 50 cents a skein.  I got:

5 skeins of red/green/white variegated
2 skeins of an itchy sparkly synthetic angora red/green/white
1 skein of white
2 skeins of forest green. 

I won't need all of this yarn, but there's always the matching mittens and Newsboy cap, right?

Needles & Other Supplies:

My Pattern - follows over the next two weeks.
Size 8 10" straight knitting needles.
Size 8  28-40" circular knitting needle suitable for magic-loop knitting
Size 8 (H) crochet hook
Yarn sized tatting needle 

Darning needle for minimal seaming
Two 1-1/2" buttons 
Indomitable Will 
Cast-Iron Stomach
Yarn sized tatting needle

Now you don't need to run out and buy anything shown here that you don't have.  As long as you have knitting needles size 7, 8 or 9, a crochet hook in size G, H or I, and yarn, you can make something god-awful.  I'll give alternate options along the way.

The first part of the pattern will arrive in a couple of hours, and we'll go from there in an irregular and sporadic fashion.  Please, feel free to leave comments here or via email.

I'd like to leave you with this one small word of encouragement.  Mwahahaha!