Ugly Xmas Sweater Part 3

The Sweater Layout

The Conundrum

We are all brave enough to wear an ugly sweater.  Few of us are foolish enough to wear a sweater that makes us ugly.

The Ugly Xmas Sweater is a simple box shaped garment guaranteed to be unflattering.  It also features drop-shoulder shaping -- as in no shaping at all -- just in case the world didn't already know you have pudgy upper arms.

Now don't take a look at the first layout below and start seaming like a maniac.  Just take a look for now.

You'll want to check something first, preferably after you've finished either joining Row 1 or finishing knitting the 1st row of 10 squares (depending on whether you've done this a single square at a time or as a continuous row of squares). 

You're going to wrap this 1st row around you to see if it's about right for your size.  This first finished bottom row should fit comfortably around your body below your armpits and above your breasts.  Not around your waist or your belly or your hips.  Don't panic.  It's not going to end up under your armpits forever.  You're just seeing if it will fit around you, mostly, there, now.

If it doesn't quite meet you're going to have to add squares. You might add a single column of 5 squares between columns 6 and 5.

 If it's WAY TOO HUGE you're going to have to lose a column or two. Either 6 or 5 down the back, for instance ... or you can employ half squares.

Yes, you heard me.  Mitred 7x7 squares that begin with 15 stitches. It will take 10 to go from the top to the bottom down the center of the back if that's where you need the ease.  If you need it in the front you could run them down the center of the left and/or right front. 

Or you can leave the seam between columns 6 and 5 un-joined.  You can then pick-up stitches from top to bottom and add the ease you need.  Up to you.

If you can't handle the fact that this sweater will probably make you look fat, and I'm using the word "probably" very loosely here, you might want to stop the idea of piecing it together into a sweater-ISH shape and start thinking about the Ugly Shawl Option. 

Yes.  Excel is my friend.  So just to reiterate what the layout shows, the left front is made of 9 squares seemed (or knitted) together as one large square, and the right front is as well.  Neither the left or right front is attached to the back, but all three are attached to the bottom two rows.

Additionally, once you have this pieced together you only have two seams left to sew.  Row 5 Squares 8 and 7 will be seamed together across the top, and Row 5: Squares 4 and 3 will be seamed together across the top. I like the blanket stitch.  It's fast, safe, and hinge-like.

That, my darlings, is the end of the shoulder treatment.

In a couple of days, we'll be talking collars.   Comment or email if you need further direction on adding a little space in the back or the front with mitres or button bands etc.

Ugly Xmas Sweater Part 2 ...

 

The Mitred Square Makes the Sweater

No I'm not talking about the cap worn by Abbots and Bishops, I'm talking about a knitting technique that takes variegated yarns and makes them look marginally attractive. 

I was looking for a technique that would produce a sweater that was simultaneously too large and too small while appearing to be ornate and complex while actually being rather simple to execute and portable for those readers who have little time to complete the piece.  If you commute by train or bus, you can probably complete a single square per trip.  

The sweater is made up of 50 squares.  If you start tomorrow, and knit two squares a day - one to and one from work - you will have your squares finished in 5 weeks or less, depending on the speed of your knitting and the length of your commute.  This will bring you to the end of the first week of December with enough squares (and minimal finishing) to make a Truly Ugly Xmas Sweater Vest just in time for the Office Party.

If you knit each square in one type of yarn only, you will speed up the process and might be able to complete more than 2 squares a day.  If you use my technique for picking up from the edge of a finished square to start the next square, you'll significantly reduce finishing time without adding any additional knitting time.  Let's go over our materials and tools list again.

5 skeins of red/green/white variegated
2 skeins of an itchy sparkly synthetic angora red/green/white
1 skein of white
2 skeins of forest green. 

Or any collection of colors you desire.  You can buy one skein at a time if that suits, just try to keep to the same Brand/Weight/Fiber type.  My aim is not to violate craftsmanship rules.  It's to violate the laws of good taste.


Size 8 10" straight knitting needles.
Size 8  28-40" circular knitting needle suitable for magic-loop knitting
Size 8 (H) crochet hook
Darning needle for minimal seaming
Two 1-1/2" buttons 
Indomitable Will 
Cast-Iron Stomach
Yarn sized tatting needle

The First Square

On size 8 10" straight knitting needles cast on 31* stitches in your preferred method.  
(I prefer the long tail cast on because it makes my first row while I'm casting on. A knitted cast-on also creates the first row, but again any style cast-on you prefer is good.)

Row 1:  Knit to end - 31 Stitches. 
Row 2:  Knit 14 stitches.  Slip 1 as if to knit, Knit 2 together, Pass Slipped stitch Over. Knit 14.
( From now on the center decrease will be abbreviated to (Sl1K2TogPsso).  You can also Knit 3 Together (K3Tog)  or Knit 2 Together, slip 1, pass 1 over (K2TogSl1Psso).  Whatever you prefer to turn 3 stitches into 1 stitch is just fine.)

Row 3:  Knit to end, counting all the way -- Ho! Ho! Ho! 
(You should end up with an odd number of stitches that is smaller than 31.  You deleted two stitches in Row 2, so you should have 29 stitches - but crap happens.**)

Mental Calculation you can do at the end of every plain knit row to avoid having to actually keep track of where you are.  

Take the number of stitches you have, minus 3 and divide by 2.  In this case the calculation would be 29 - 3 / 2 = 13.  13 is your new number ....

Row 4:  Knit 13 Sl1K2TogPsso Knit 13

Row 5:  Knit to end, counting all the way -- Ho! Ho! Ho! 

(You should have 27 stitches. Mental Calculation 27 - 3 = 24/2 = 12)

Continue rows 4 and 5 until you have 3 stitches left at the end of a decrease row.

Using different yarns in one square.

Final Even Row :  a. Sl1K2TogPsso or K3Tog. Cut yarn and pull through loop to finish off.  This is the technique you will use if you plan to mix and match and seam together later.

Keep knitting squares until you have completed 50.

OR   

Final Even Row :  b. Sl1K2TogPsso or K3Tog.  Leaving that last loop on the Right Needle, start picking up stitches down the left hand edge of the square.  You will Pick Up*** 15 to 16 stitches, included the first one, total. 

Then, using your preferred Cast On style (at this point I prefer Knitted Cast-On), create 15 to 16 stitches -- whichever you need to end up with 31 stitches. 

Start with Row 2 -- knit even across, and continue on in the Mitre pattern.  Repeat until you've completed 10 squares in your first bottom row. 

In pictures that would be:

Second Row of 10 (pictured below):  Cast on 15 stitches in your preferred method.  Pick up one stitch at the top right corner of your first row of squares.  Continue picking up 15 more stitches from the top of the rightmost square so that you end up having 31 stitches on your right needle.  Turn and knit back all 31 stitches ... you've now completed Row 2 of the Mitred Square.  Continue on, adding squares to the left until you reach the end of the row and have 20 Squares in two rows, total.  In pictures ...

If you have managed to complete 20 squares before I post again, you maniac, stop!!!   Comment!!!  Alert me that you need further instruction and I will instruct further.  Unless you've figured out what to do with the other 30 squares.  In that case go for it and send me pictures.

The Footnotes:

* 31 Stitches.  This is totally arbitrary.  If a square 15 x 15 stitches is too small you can start with 61 stitches.  You can start with 27, if that bakes your cookies.  It just has to be odd and easy for you to keep track of.  I like the size of the 31 stitch because it's about a bus-ride long and easy to jam in the purse.  It's also an easy size to pull out while waiting in line, or finishing off a lunch break, or sneaking under the desk.

**Crap Happens.  If you've finished a knit only row and you end up with an even number of stitches, stop and take a deep breath.  Don't panic.  Check to make sure you've not dropped a stitch or have started knitting back and forth mindlessly.  This happens when you talk or try to read and knit or drive and knit at the same time.  If it's only a single mistke row and you don't feel like ripping back to the last good row, you can unknit back to the center of the even row, Knit 2 Together to create an odd number of stitches and continue knitting to the end.  I've even discovered the mistake in the middle of a decrease row and decided to K2Tog, K2Tog, Psso.  Again, feed the OCD if necessary and fudge if possible.  It's not art.  It's ugly.

***Picking Up Stitches.  I like slipping the first stitch of every row.  This creates nice wide two row stitches running across the "top" and the "left hand side" of the square.  Nice, wide two row stitches make picking up stitches easier and is one of those gems contributed to the knitting community by Knitter's Saint E. Zimmerman.  When I first started I would use my crochet hook to pull loops of yarn through the nice wide stitches and place them on the knitting needle.  Now I just stick the knitting needle through the edge stitch and pull the yarn through that way.

Have fun!  Post comments if you're lost.  See you in a few days!!

Ugly Xmas Sweater Part 1

And A Very Ugly Xmas to You!

I'm sure you've seen sites devoted to selling truly Ugly Christmas Sweaters.  A simple Google search of those three dreadful words will open a terrifyingly enormous number (about 575,000  links). If you haven't taken a good, long look at the holiday horror that has been unleashed upon the faddish over the last few years, then it is time for you to get a good strong whatever and sit down to take a look at this assault on good taste and visual accuity.

A closer look at these abominations will chill your blood when you realize something truly heinous.  The majority of these sweaters were not made in the USA.

Now I don't know about you, but I, for one, am capable of creating an Xmas sweater that doesn't just break one or two fashion rules.  I, a devoted american consumer, have all the skills necessary to haphazardly design a sweater that is not only a crime against god and man, but one that the great Cthulhu himself would deem unthinkable, unknowable and terrifyingly undesireable.  

I issue this challenge to every fiber artist/crafts-person reading this.  I now dare you to whomp up your own beyond-ugly sweater.  I'm here to help.  Really.


Whether you like it or not, I'm about to share with you, in a series of Happy Holidays Blog posts, how I am constructing mine.  

Gird your loins, put on your sunglasses, grit your teeth and locate the strongest anesthia you allow yourself because here we go.

Garage Sale Find -- Vintage Yarn

Materials:

Yarns:

I was extremely lucky to locate some vintage 100% Orlon Acrylic Christmas Yarn at a garage sale.  And yes, that Orlon Acrylic was made by DuPont in the U.S.A.
The yarn was manufactured by Yarn Industries, Inc. of Pageland, South Carolina  which at one time held 5 trademarks besides -- Softelle (D. 1986), Remembrance (D. 1986), Lainelle (D. 1982), Sun.Spun (D. 1982), and Carrousel (D. 1981).  Apparently there was a dreadful lawsuit between Yarn and Krupps in 1983 and since many of these trademarks seem to have expired shortly thereafter, I'm assuming that the litigation was deadly.  Lesson to us all, when meeting a subsidiary of a multi-national corporation either to sign a contract or to settle a dispute in court, be sure to take a lawyer with you.  

As late as 2010 Caron (headquartered in Ontario) held the Wintuk name, but even that brand is no longer available for purchase, to my knowledge.

There's a bonus Christmas Sock pattern on the inside of the skein's paper label sleeve. Are you Christmas Tree Green with envy yet?

Don't grieve.  You can still purchase Christmas yarn in the various colors and variegates that you will need to make your sweater.  I know.  I've seen the fresh-off-the-cargo-ship-from-Pakistan-self-display-boxes at the stores.  I just urge you to try to find yarn that is made somewhere in this hemisphere and, like my 25+ year old yarn, will remain bright and festive in a landfill for the next 2 to 3 hundred years.

This vintage yarn has such an ugly choice of color and dreadful repeat length in the variegation and such a scratchy unpleasant hand, that I couldn't resist spending 50 cents a skein.  I got:

5 skeins of red/green/white variegated
2 skeins of an itchy sparkly synthetic angora red/green/white
1 skein of white
2 skeins of forest green. 

I won't need all of this yarn, but there's always the matching mittens and Newsboy cap, right?

Needles & Other Supplies:

My Pattern - follows over the next two weeks.
Size 8 10" straight knitting needles.
Size 8  28-40" circular knitting needle suitable for magic-loop knitting
Size 8 (H) crochet hook
Yarn sized tatting needle 

Darning needle for minimal seaming
Two 1-1/2" buttons 
Indomitable Will 
Cast-Iron Stomach
Yarn sized tatting needle

Now you don't need to run out and buy anything shown here that you don't have.  As long as you have knitting needles size 7, 8 or 9, a crochet hook in size G, H or I, and yarn, you can make something god-awful.  I'll give alternate options along the way.

The first part of the pattern will arrive in a couple of hours, and we'll go from there in an irregular and sporadic fashion.  Please, feel free to leave comments here or via email.

I'd like to leave you with this one small word of encouragement.  Mwahahaha!

Brooks Bouquet

That's pretty much all I've got to say today. 

I can say that thickNthin and coil yarns should not be wasted on even-weave.  Hand-spun novelty yarns should be saved for pieces that are knit, crocheted or for over-shot/float weaving. 

On the other hand, yarns that are naturally slightly irregular, like the majority of my hand spun, do shine in plain-weave.  They introduce a mild irregularity that produces a textural tremolo to a piece.  Like a fine singer's voice trembles around a note, so hand dyed and hand spun yarns tremble around a hue and grist producing a sense of depth and intensity that cannot be manufactured by mass production machinery.

Murphy's Textile Law 0001

There is no clothing item so hideous that the judicious application of tatting and puffpaint can't make it uglier.


On the bright and yet still garish side, these house socks will not end up on anyone other than their owner.  No color-blind, over-worked laundress can do anything to these bed-socks to make them LESS attractive.  And finally, though fractions of pennies went into pockets overseas for the manufacture of the yarns and paints, no one but the recipient will profit from their construction.

The sox are knit in acrylic (or other machine washable yarn); toe up with a short row heel.  Once the toe increases are completed I start the K1, P1 ribbing on the top (arch) side of the socks.  It makes them more elastic and form fitting to compensate for faulty foot measurement and lack of gauge swatches.  Ribbing at the ankle is shorter than a normal sock -- about half the length as a fold-down crew sock.  These socks only need to stay on in bed and so there is no danger that they will fall down.  Disappear in the bed-clothes - yes.  Fall down - no.

Since the sole decoration is puff paint, it also serves as a form of non-slip tread.  If the recipient of your bed socks is actually going to walk in them, though, a more conventional sew on non-slip tread is recommended and puff-paint should go on the top of the socks where it will do the most esthetic damage.

If you're interested in a link to a generic toe up sock pattern, or to the tatted lace edging pattern, let me know and I will add links. 

And Another Craft

Ra ta Tat Tat

Yes I understand that's hardly clever, but I'm not feeling all that glib today.  I just wanted to leave a brief note that I've taken up yet another fiber technique.  That would be tatting.  

My first exposure to tatting was while sitting with my Grossmutter in her forest-green Studebaker outside of the local High school.  We were waiting for my Aunt and I was incredibly bored. Watching Grossie add an ugly variegated pink and white lace border to an otherwise unimpressive cloth handkerchief eased the ennui.  Slightly.  I recall that I asked her what she was doing and if she would teach me, and the answers were "tatting" and "no."

I realize that a lot of what I do is a direct reaction to the word no.  I'm not sure that is a good thing.  I do know that when it comes to learning, saying no to me doesn't actually work. In this case though, over 50 years passed before I actually did something about that initial refusal.   Frankly, if Grossie had attempted to teach me, I would have dropped tatting like a hot potato and never looked back.  Instead, I headed down the fiber road and have been inflicting hand made items on my relatives ever since.

While I picked up a tatting shuttle here and there between that "no" and now, I never actually took the time to learn how to manipulate the shuttle to tie those types of knots.  The picture directions one finds in quaint pamphlets on how to make your hands dance with shuttles and strings are less than informative.  The directions of how to make rings and chains and picots, how many and in what order are cryptic.  So I've been stymied until I learned about needle tatting. 

Isn't YouTube a wonderful thing?  I didn't want to expend any money for tatting needles since they are not cheap, and I admit there are quite a few things that I've picked up for a minute or two before dropping:  Skiing, biking, painting, sculpting, to name a few.  Some of those things cost good money that was never recouped.

After watching a couple of YouTube videos and realizing that a locker hook and heavy kitchen cotton yarn were precisely what I needed and precisely what I had on hand.  Voila ... a small tatted motif, becomes a kitchen  trivet.  The beauty of using a locker hook is that it's the perfect size for heavy kitchen cotton, and if you don't find tatting to be compelling you can always use it to hook rugs or add a string tail to make it a very long Tunisian crochet hook.  Three separate crafts to try and discard, for the price of one.

Actually, I am going to be using Tatting as an edging when I don't want to use the k1p1 ribbing, seed, moss or garter stitch to keep a piece from curling.  So I've not gone completely over the edge, but yes, I do have tatting needles now.

Start Knitting Lace BEFORE August

Because of the alpaca content even lace scarves are warm. 

Christmas 2012 is Right Around The Corner!

I learned my lesson.  Deciding to knit lace scarves in August, even a simple lace like Old Shale, is insane.  Immediately after I received the 50% Wool 50% Alpaca lace weight yarn my hours at work were shifted.  An hour was carved off the slow end of the day and an extra half day every other week was tacked on so that I had much less time at home for falderol. What with an hour slashed here and an hour excised there, I ended up knitting into the wee hours just days before the 25th.

While Old Shale is simple enough, These are projects that are best started today and so ... this post.

I started with American Size #8 (UK 6, Metric 5.0 mm) knitting needles and Alpacaware Yarn. I've used Alpacaware for many things since I first discovered the brand on eBay and I rationalize using their yarn because it's manufactured in this hemisphere by people who are actually descended from the ones who originally bred and spun this camelid fiber -- Peruvians.  

The yarn makes great socks as long as you knit the toes and heels in a different hard wearing sock yarn. While most of the socks that I have knitted from Alpacaware have been pitched because of large holes in the toes and heels, the ones with toes and heels of acrylic / super wash / nylon sock blends are still being worn a year and several machine washes later.  And they are incredibly warm and incredibly soft.


Of their yarns, If you're happy with the colors they offer, I recommend the Alpaca/Acrylic/Wool blends.  Not only is it much softer and fuzzier, it goes through the washer and dryer well if there's a mistake on laundry day.

But, I wanted to be able to dye the yarn different colors for each of my step-sisters so I opted for the Alpaca/Wool blend in white.  When I received the yarn it was much stringy-er and rougher than the yarns I'd received from Alpacaware before. But the yarn was long spun - so to speak - and time was short.

Since the only preference I heard back from the sisters was "off-white" I at least cut out the step of hand dying the wool.  I did have to add the step of using human hair conditioner on the scarves at the last minute to make them soft enough to wear next to the skin.  The pattern I whomped up is:

A closer look at the Old Shale.

Old Shale Beaded Lace Scarflet.

Tools and Materials:

American Size #8 (UK 6, Metric 5.0 mm) STRAIGHT knitting needles

American Size #6 (UK 8, Metric 4.0 mm) MAGIC LOOP Circular knitting needle

 

American Size #H (UK 6, Metric 5.0 mm) Crochet Hook

American Size #11 (1.10 mm) Steel Crochet Hook

Seed Beads 6 mm in a complimentary color

Lace or Sock Weight Yarn - 1 to 2 skeins.

Cast On:

Multiple of 18 stitches plus 4.  

(These scarves were 58 stitches (18 x 3 + 4).)  

Garter Stitch Set Up:

Knit one row.

Knit two stitches, place marker, knit to last two stitches, place marker, knit 2.   Turn, place a crochet marker or safety pin on the side facing you to mark it as the Right Side.

(You've just completed two rows of garter stitch for the bottom of the scarf and placed markers for the garter stitch edging to help hold the knitting flat.)  

Knit the body of the scarf :


Row 1. K2, pass marker, Old Shale Pattern Row (see below), pass marker, K2 .
Row 2. K2, pass marker, Purl to marker, pass marker, K2
Row 3. Knit
Row 4. Knit
Repeat

Old Shale Pattern Row:

(Knit 2 tog) x 3, *(YO, K1) x 6, (K2tog) x 6)*, work * to * to last 6 stitches before the marker then  (Knit 2 tog) x 3.

Knit these 4 rows until the scarf will fit around your throat comfortably, plus about 6 to 8 inches.

Beads placed on every other knit stitch every other row.

Start ribbing 
Change to Magic Loop Needle and

Knit 2, (drop marker) K1, P2
*K2, P2* until about 17 stitches are on the Magic Loop needle ending with a P2.  Pull needle to make your first Magic Loop Butterfly Wing.

Work K2P2 ribbing for 24 stitches ending in a P2.  Magic Loop, pull your second butterfly wing. 

K2P2 to last 3 stitches.  

Join your knitting here by P2 , place a marker, and slip last stitch from your straight needle to your right Magic Loop Point, then slipping it back to the new left Magic Loop Point and knitting two together. 

If you have 2 knitted  stitches on your left ML needle, knit them together so that you end up with K2P2 as the first stitches after the marker.  *(You will have only one marker in the magic loop method, and that marker will show the back center seam as a reference for finishing)


If you prefer working flat:  Slip the first stitch, K2P2 and place the knit marker after St. 17 which would be your second purl stitch of that K2P2 ribbing group. K2P2 for 24 stitches and place a second knit marker after St. 41.  K2P2 the last 17 stitches ending Purl 3.  You will have 3 knit stitches at the beginning of each row -- first stitch slipped -- and 3 Purl stitches at the end of each row.)

Work one round/row in K2P2 ribbing.

Beads that have been slipped over stitches.

Basically you're going to make a ribbed loop through which to pull the tail end of the scarf AND you are only going to bead the front side. 

If you want to make it blingy as I did, then I direct you to this wonderful article Seduced by Beads by Sivia Harding  which explains how to place beads onto your needle using a crochet hook.

On the front (non marker) 24 stitches of the magic loop

I staggered the beads every other row.  Magic loop that would be -- rounds:

1.  On the Right Side only -- Place a bead on the first stitch of each K2 ribbing
2. No beading, just K2P2 ribbing for one round
3.On the Right Side only -- Place a bead on the second stitch of each k2
4. No beading, just K2P2 ribbing for one round. 

Flat Knitting, you would place the beads on the right side only, between the markers only, staggering them between the first and second knit stitch of each k2 of the ribbing.

In this way the beads were staggered and all of them were placed away from the skin to avoid any discomfort.  After all no use placing a bead on the purling as it would be swallowed up by the ribbing and not seen.


Work the K2P2 beaded ribbing for about 4 inches, then Purl a row for a turn marking row.  Put your beads away and K2P2 for another 4 inches.

Magic Loop: with the joining stitches Marker in the center of the back and the beading facing front, work a 3 Needle Bind-Off to close the tube you've knitted and join the front to the back in a flat bound off seam. Leave a very long tail for attaching the bound off edge to the back of the beginning of the ribbing. The Purl Row you did halfway through the ribbing will be a great guide to show you about where the ribbing should be folded over.


Straight Needles:  Bind-off leaving a very long tail.  Using Blanket stitch or your preferred way of joining, Sew the first slipped stitches on both sides of the ribbing together down to the beginning of the ribbing.  With the seam position down the center back, sew the top of the ribbing closed, flat, then folding down along the purl row, sew that flat seam to the beginning of the ribbing, easing as necessary.

Close-up of beaded picot edging.

Additional beading at the bottom of the scarf.  


I then added a Crochet Picot edge to the bottom of these scarves using the size H crochet hook.  


Join Yarn and Single crochet along the cast on end of the lace.

Chain One, Turn.

Single crochet 2, chain 2 (place bead on 2nd chain with tiny 1.10 crochet hook and replace on H hook)chain one to complete the 3 chain picot. Slip Stitch into the next stitch and repeat across row.  

Scarf pulled through the ribbing loop.

You will end up with an extra single crochet at the end of the row.  If this endangers the space-time continuum in your particular part of the universe, then by all means after working your foundation row of Single crochet, do the math to make it even by increasing or decreasing a single crochet in the center of the row.

Work in ends. 

Hand wash gently in Dish washing detergent to get the smell of sweaty terror out of the scarf, and then give it a rinse with a drop or two of Human Hair Conditioner.  

Gently squeeze out the excess water.  I roll them up into a cylinder in a Terry Bath Towel and then step on the toweling to squish most of the water out.  It's kind of like treading on grapes to make wine, except there's a towel in between and no one drinks alpaca.

Unroll and lay the scarf out on a towel, or better yet an acrylic granny square afghan. Stretch the scarflet sideways and lengthwise just a bit to open up the lace and let it dry.  


Hopefully, if you start now, you'll have a beaded lace scarf completed before summer and you can decide if you're going to make more for your friends and relatives or just keep it for yourself and call it a learning experience.  You can also decide if you would prefer JUST lace or JUST beading or None Of The Above and go for a scarflet with a ribbed loop only.  That's three different types of scarves you can pull from this one pattern.


Happy New Year!!!